“expecting a women to orgasm from penetration with no clitoral stimulation is like expecting a man to orgasm from rubbing his balls with no penis stimulation” Laurie Mintz
Artwork @hiba_schahbaz
I spoke to the sex therapist, professor and author of Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Laurie Mintz, on the orgasm gap, the inequality that women are having substantially fewer orgasms than men. I absolutely loved her book which deals with the disparities of sexual experiences between men and women. It delves into the mystifying questions that have always sat wrong with me, such as why is sex finished when the man finishes? We discuss how women’s pleasure has been devalued in our society, and why the word vagina is so problematic.
1. What is the pleasure gap and why does it exist?
The pleasure gap, or orgasm gap, is the consistent finding across multiple studies that when cisgender men and cisgender women get it on men are having significantly more orgasms than women. While that exists in all types of sex, it is most pronounced in casual sex, but it never closes altogether. It exists for a number of reasons but it is my understanding that underlying all reasons is our cultural devaluation and ignorance of women's most reliable route to orgasm, which is the clitoris.
2. Is patriarchy the reason for this deep cultural belief that women’s pleasure is less important than mens?
Rather than calling it patriarchy I call it the cultural privilege of male sexuality and when you culturally privilege something, it is like saying this is what the norm is and anything that deviates from it is not the norm. We do that with sexuality, we culturally privilege the male experience by assuming that the default way men reach orgasm, is the default way that women too should reach orgasm.
3. In your book you say intercourse shouldnt be equated to sex because thats not how most women orgasm. How pervasive is the idea that a women’s role is to please men and how does this affect a women’s ability to enjoy sex?
I think it’s really deeply ingrained in socialisation. I’ve heard so many young women, especially, say things like if it’s good for him it’s good for me. And studies about faking orgasms are so clear, women fake for three reasons: one is to avoid appearing abnormal, another is to make sex end, but another huge one is to soothe their male partners egos, and to make them feel good about themselves. That goes right to the heart of the question as well.
4. Would you say that women are complicit in this if they fake orgasms or fake pleasure?
I know there has been a lot of controversy about that. I don’t think I like the word complicit because I don’t like the idea that we're going to blame either women or men. I think instead these deeply ingrained cultural messages are to blame. Women fake because of everything they have been taught, and men think they should give a woman an orgasm by jackhammering, from everything they have been taught.
5. I guess both men and women see that narrative from porn and the media, so we all assume it's correct. Looking at how these inequalities are mirrored in the language we use, what is so problematic about the word vagina?
It’s dreadful. First of all it’s not, the outside is called the vulva and it's where all of the nerve endings that women need to orgasm are. There are very few nerve endings in the vagina. Very few women orgasm from vaginal penetration, so when we call our entire genitals a vagina we are linguistically erasing the part of ourselves that gives us the most pleasure. We are engaged in what some people call a linguistic clitoridectomy, or symbolic clitoridectomy. We are calling our genitals by the part that is more useful to men’s pleasure than our own.
6. Do you think there is still shame surrounding the clitoris in Western culture?
I do, I think this is reflected in language too. There are more nicknames for the penis than there are for any other word in the English language. Whereas there are not many nicknames for the clitoris and people report being more uncomfortable saying the word than they do the word penis. So many women also feel ashamed of needing clitoral stimulation for orgasms. So I think there is absolutely still shame.
7. Some women feel guilty or ashamed if they take too long, almost as if their partners are going to get bored. Have you got experience of that kind of thing?
Absolutely, I hear that all the time. I can’t expect him to take so much time, or it takes so long, I can’t take that long. I hear it all the time. You should take as long as you need. The other thing I hear all the time is I can only do it in this one way or with my vibrator. So do it, bring your vibrator. We don’t tell men you can’t only orgasm from intercourse, you’ll get used to it. It’s insane to me.
8. If a partner says that he is bored because she takes too long, what advice w would you give?
I would say break up with the dude.
9. How can we change it so women do feel entitled to pleasure?
I think talking, writing, speaking about it to other women, confronting things. If you're sitting around watching a movie with your friends and the womens having this screaming orgasm from penetration, call it out, say this is really unrealistic.
10. Your book explores not only how this increased knowledge of female pleasure is going to benefit women but also how it will benefit men. Would you be able to explain this?
Absolutely, men suffer as well because of the idea that they have to last long and thrust hard to give women pleasure, this causes them a lot of pain. So many men are insecure about their penis size and they don’t need to be, especially with all those big dick jokes. I quote Ian Kerner a lot who wrote She Comes First, if we take the pressure off of the penis, then men can enjoy sex more too. So many young men arent enjoying sex because they aren’t immersing themselves in their pleasure, they are trying to last long. The bottom line is that becoming cliterate benefits everybody.